A Modern Hamlet
by The Grasshopper
Summary: Hamlet retold in modern lanaguage, but still following the direct plot and not leaving anything out...just condensing it a bit. (Act II up.)
1. Act I

Author's Note:   
  
Another retelling of Hamlet! I'm trying not to leave anything out. I found other retellings too, but please no one get all twisted out of shape that I'm also redoing this in modern English...I'm not copying anyone's...I purposefully did not read another version just in case I would subconsciously take a line. This is really for my own fun because Hamlet...is my favorite play. Ever! There is some bad language but it isn't every other word or anything, it's very appropriate. Thanks for reading!   
  
Scene I  
  
(Elsinore. A platform before the castle. Francisco at his post. Enter Bernardo.)   
  
Bernardo: Who is that?   
  
Francisco: You tell me first. What's the password?  
  
Bernardo: Um... long live the king!  
  
Francisco: Oh, it's you.  
  
Bernardo: Yup.  
  
Francisco: Why are you sneaking around like that? And you're kind of late.   
  
Bernardo: No I'm not, it's just midnight. I'll take over now, so goodnight.   
  
Francisco: Yeah, thanks. It's cold, and I'm kind of freaked out.   
  
Bernardo: Is everything ok?  
  
Francisco: Just too quiet, I guess.   
  
Bernardo: Oh. Well, goodnight. If you see Horatio and Marcellus, tell them to hurry up.   
  
Francisco: Oh wait, here they are, I think. Who's there?   
  
(Enter Horatio and Marcellus)   
  
Horatio: It's just us.   
  
Marcellus: Yeah, jeez. I mean, we entered.   
  
Francisco: Oh! Goodnight, then.   
  
Marcellus: Night. Who's in your place? Because I can't see and all.   
  
Francisco: Uh. Bernardo.   
  
(Exit Francisco)  
  
Marcellus: Oh, hi!   
  
Bernardo: Well howdy! Is that Horatio with you?   
  
Horatio: I'm half asleep, thanks.   
  
Bernardo: Glad to have both of you.   
  
Marcellus: Have you seen it?   
  
Bernardo: Dude, I just got here.   
  
Marcellus: Bernardo! Horatio thinks that it's just our imagination, and won't believe me that me and you have seen this ghost thing twice already. This time we're going to try to get it to talk.   
  
Horatio: Whatever. You guys are lying.   
  
Bernardo: Well...stay here and see for yourself. You'll see that he's telling the truth.   
  
Horatio: Okay, well I guess I can listen to your side too.   
  
Bernardo: Okay. Well. Last night, around this time, me and Marcy here were hanging around about 1amish...  
  
(Enter Ghost)   
  
Marcellus: Shut up, Bernardo! There it is!  
  
Bernardo: It's the dead king!  
  
Marcellus: Well if you're so smart, Horatio, say something to it!  
  
Bernardo: ...doesn't it look like the dead king?   
  
Horatio: YES, it does. And that's amazing. Be quiet.   
  
Bernardo: Say something.  
  
Marcellus: Yeah, talk to it, Horatio...   
  
Horatio: I have to do everything. Fine. Hey...you there...what are you and why are you walking around? And why do you look like the king? Speak!  
  
Marcellus: Good going, you pissed it off.   
  
Bernado: It's leaving!  
  
Horatio: Say something!!!   
  
(Exit Ghost)   
  
Marcellus: It's gone. It didn't like you, Horatio.   
  
Bernardo: I told you so, Horatio! You're more freaked out than we were. Was that just your imagination?  
  
Horatio: No, I'm pretty convinced. That was weird.   
  
Marcellus: This is the third time! And in the same place...   
  
Horatio: I wonder what he wants. He's probably disturbed by everything going on in Denmark...  
  
Marcllus: Yeah...that's a good point...a lot has been going on lately. But why would the ghost feel like it's his duty to stick around?  
  
Horatio: Well...you know all that he's done for us... how he and Fortinbras had this little squeamish over land in Norway and everything... so now we have to prepare to fight in his shadow. Because...he's dead.   
  
Bernardo: So the king is coming back and haunting the grounds because of what war has shaken up?   
  
Horatio: Yes, I think so. It could be some kind of bad omen...  
  
(Re-enter Ghost)   
  
Horatio: Ahh!! There it is again! Cross yourself, quick! Hey, ghost! Stay here this time...and say something! If we can do anything to help you, tell us!   
  
(The Cock Crows)   
  
Horatio: Marcellus, WHAT are you doing??   
  
Marcellus: I could try to stab it!  
  
Horatio: Uh...sure, try it.   
  
Bernardo: The ghost!!  
  
Horatio: I KNOW!  
  
Marcellus: ...but now it's gone...   
  
(Exit Ghost)   
  
Marcellus: Okay, maybe that attempted stabbing was not such a good idea.   
  
Bernardo: No, it was going to say something if it wasn't for that insisting cock.   
  
Horatio: Conniving cock. Maybe the ghost doesn't like the day time.   
  
Marcellus: It faded with the coming of the cock! I think that ghosts can only come out in the nighttime anyway.   
  
Horatio: No more talk about the cock. Our watch is over, but I think that we should tell Hamlet. It looks like his father and all...I think that he has a right to know.   
  
Marcellus: Ok! I know where he is.  
  
Scene II  
  
(A room of state in the castle. Enter the King, Queen, Hamlet, Polonius, Laertes, Voltimand, Cornelius, Lords, and Attendants.)   
  
King: Poor Hamlet. His father died. This is a sad time, but I think that we should be happy. Sure, the wedding was very soon after the funeral, but that was only to make the sadness of the dead King's death bittersweet, and easier for Hamlet and the dead King's wife...who is now my wife. Oh. Hi Volt and Corny. Send this message, would you?   
  
Cornelius and Volimand: Right away.   
  
King: Thanks. Bye!  
  
(Exeunt Voltimand and Cornelius)   
  
King: Where were we. Oh yeah. Laertes, what's up?   
  
Laertes: Well...I came here to serve you, but...I'd...rather be in France. So...can I go?   
  
King: What do you think, Polonius?  
  
Polonius: I think that he should go.   
  
King: Ok. Bye, Laertes! So, Hamlet, my once cousin and now son...  
  
Hamlet (aside): I'm not your son, and I pretty much hate you.   
  
King: Why are you so sad?  
  
Hamlet: I'm peachy.   
  
Queen: Hamlet, smile! Everybody dies, you must accept that.   
  
Hamlet: I know.   
  
Queen: Then why are you so unnaturally sad?  
  
Hamlet: Because I am. Leave me alone.   
  
King: Hamlet, you're very noble to be so upset, but things like this happen. If you're going to be stubbornly sad, then there's nothing we can do about it, but it makes you seem like you don't have any faith in God. You're going to be the next King, but for now I'm going to take charge in your education and everything else. Don't go back to school yet, but stay here a while...   
  
Queen: Please stay!  
  
Hamlet: Fine.   
  
King: See, he's fine. Anyway, lets go see what everyone else is doing, Gertrude. Let's go.   
  
(Exeunt all but Hamlet)   
  
Hamlet: I can't believe that this has happened. I just want to sink into the ground and die. My dad has been dead for two months, and then my mom marries his BROTHER. It's disgusting...the way that she hangs on him....he's so different than my real father. Her tears have barely dried. Grrrrrr. And I can't even say anything.   
  
(Enter Horatio, Marcellus, and Bernardo)   
  
Horatio: Hey, Hammy!  
  
Hamlet: Yeah, hi.   
  
Horatio: Hiii...   
  
Hamlet: So why are you guys here?  
  
Horatio: Well...  
  
Hamlet: Well?  
  
Horatio: Your father's funeral.   
  
Hamlet: Or my mother's wedding.   
  
Horatio: Yeah, er...they were pretty close together, weren't they?   
  
Hamlet: Yeah. I think that we used the same food. I still see my father so clearly.   
  
Horatio: You don't say, because--   
  
Hamlet: But only in my head...   
  
Horatio: Oh. Well...I...met him once...he was a good guy.   
  
Hamlet: Better than all of them.   
  
Horatio: So um...I saw him yesterday...   
  
Hamlet: Huh? Who?   
  
Horatio: Your father...  
  
Hamlet: My father?!   
  
Horatio: Yeah...listen to what we have to say..   
  
Hamlet: Well, say it!!   
  
Horatio: Bernardo and Marcellus saw him two nights in a row at the same exact time...he looked like your father, and then he walks around, disappears, and then reappears again. But they didn't say anything to it. I came with them the third night..last night...and they speak the truth!   
  
Hamlet: Where??  
  
Marcellus: Where we guarded..   
  
Hamlet: You didn't say anything?  
  
Horatio: I tried! And it looked like it would answer, but then that hard headed cock came, and it vanished!   
  
Hamlet: That's weird.   
  
Horatio: I swear that it's true. We had to tell you.   
  
Hamlet: Well, I'm glad that you did, but...hm. Are you on guard tonight?  
  
Marcellus and Bernardo: Yes...   
  
Hamlet: With guns?   
  
Marcellus/Bernardo: Yup.   
  
Hamlet: ...Alot of them?   
  
Marcellus/Bernardo: Uh...sure.   
  
Hamlet: Did you actually see his face?   
  
Horatio: Yeah.   
  
Hamlet: Was he mad-looking?  
  
Horatio: Kind of sad really...   
  
Hamlet: Was he pale or red?  
  
Horatio: Pale..  
  
Hamlet: Did he see you?  
  
Horatio: Yeah. He looked RIGHT at us.   
  
Hamlet: If I were there...   
  
Horatio: You would have been shocked.   
  
Hamlet: Did it stay long?   
  
Horatio: Little more than a minute.   
  
Marcellus/Bernardo: It was longer than that, dumbass.   
  
Horatio: Well, not when I was there.   
  
Hamlet: Did he have a beard?   
  
Horatio: He looked exactly like he did when I first met him.   
  
Hamlet: I want to come tonight, in case he comes back.   
  
Horatio: I think that it will.   
  
Hamlet: If it looks like my dad, I'll talk to it, even if it's some evil posessed demon thing. I'll come between 11 and 12, ok?   
  
All: Ok!   
  
Hamlet: Thanks, guys.   
  
(Exeunt all but Hamlet)   
  
Hamlet: Well this is getting more interesting by the minute. Something must be wrong that makes my father haunt the grounds...   
  
(Exit)   
  
Scene III  
  
(A room in Poloniu's house, Enter Laertes and Ophelia)   
  
Laertes: Well, I'm going now! I just wanted to make sure that you were ok.   
  
Ophelia: Why wouldn't I be?   
  
Laertes: Well...I know that you and Hamlet have been kind of... you know. And I don't think that you should see him anymore.   
  
Ophelia: Ok...   
  
Laertes: Well, guys are kind of shifty like that. Even though he might say that he loves you, I doubt that he really means it. So don't let yourself get all wrapped up in his tokens and love and actually believe anything. In short, don't sleep with him.  
  
Ophelia: ...I'll...remember this. But it's kind of hard to take you seriously when you're being a hypocrite about it.   
  
Laertes: Well here comes dad, so lets drop this for now.   
  
(Enter Polonius)   
  
Polonius: You're still here! You can go now. Be careful and everything...I'm going to miss you. France is a good place to be, you'll do well.   
  
Laertes: Thanks, dad. See you later.   
  
Polonius: Bye!  
  
Laertes: Goodbye, Ophelia..remember what we talked about.  
  
Ophelia: Okay, okay.   
  
Laertes: Bye...again...  
  
(Exit)   
  
Polonius: What did you guys talk about?   
  
Ophelia: It was about Hamlet.   
  
Polonius: Oh. Thought so. What is between you and Hamlet?   
  
Ophelia: Well. He's...said that he's liked me..and kind of shown it, I guess.   
  
Polonius: Oh, whatever. Do you actually believe him?   
  
Ophelia: I don't know...   
  
Polonius: Well, don't.   
  
Ophelia: But he's been a gentleman about it...   
  
Polonius: Riiight...   
  
Ophelia: But he's very pious about his affections!   
  
Polonius: I still don't know why you would take him so seriously. He's a kid. He must say things to you that are more serious than he himself is. He'll break what promises he has to you easily. Don't see him anymore.   
  
Ophelia: Okay.  
  
Scene IV  
  
(The platform. Enter Hamlet, Horatio, and Marcellus.)   
  
Hamlet: It's frickin cold.   
  
Horatio: I know.   
  
Hamlet: Is it time yet?   
  
Horatio: No.   
  
Marcellus: Is so.   
  
Horatio: Why do you have to argue about everything?   
  
(A flourish of trumpets, sounds within)   
  
Horatio: Ahhh! What was that??   
  
Hamlet: It's the King. He likes to celebrate to himself.   
  
Horatio: Is that...normal?   
  
Hamlet: Not usually, but we do it here sometimes. I guess all of us drink a little too much...it's in our nature.   
  
(Enter Ghost)   
  
Horatio: AHH! There it is!!   
  
Hamlet: Omfg!!!!! Just...whoa...I don't know if it's intentions are good or bad, but...it's obviously my father! King Hamlet! Answer me! Tell me why you're here... what do you want from us??   
  
(Ghost beckons Hamlet)   
  
Horatio: Shit, shit, it's beckoning!   
  
Marcellus: Don't go!   
  
Horatio: Stay here, Hammy.   
  
Hamlet: Well, what else am I supposed to do?   
  
Horatio: DON'T.   
  
Hamlet: How is a ghost going to hurt me?   
  
Horatio: What if it walks you off a cliff or something?? There are a lot of possibilities.   
  
Hamlet: ...I'm following it.   
  
Marcellus: No!  
  
Hamlet: Let go of me! Jeez!  
  
Horatio: NO!   
  
Hamlet: I have to. Let GO! If you don't let go, I'll...kill you! Yes! Go, ghost! I'll follow!   
  
(Exeunt Ghost and Hamlet)  
  
Horatio: I think that he's hoping for too much.   
  
Marcellus: I think that we should follow.   
  
Horatio: Go ahead.   
  
Marcellus: Something's up.   
  
Horatio: God will take care of it.   
  
Marcellus: Let's follow anyway. (Exeunt)   
  
Scene V  
  
(another part of the platform, enter ghost and Hamlet.)   
  
Hamlet: I'm not moving until you talk.   
  
Ghost: Hi.   
  
Hamlet: Okay, that's good enough.   
  
Ghost: I don't have much time, until I have to go back into eternal suffering.  
  
Hamlet: Aw.   
  
Ghost: Don't feel sorry for me. You have to listen.   
  
Hamlet: Okay, keep going.   
  
Ghost: I gotta warn you, you're going to get a little vengeful.   
  
Hamlet: Huh?   
  
Ghost: I am the ghost of your father, and I'm stuck on this planet until what's happened to be as been, more or less, rectified.   
  
Hamlet: Fuck.   
  
Ghost: I've been murdered.   
  
Hamlet: What??   
  
Ghost: A horrible murder!   
  
Hamlet: Well, tell me who did it so I can kill the guy!  
  
Ghost: He put poison in my ear to kill me while I was sleeping in my pretty little garden. It was...the one who wears the crown now as King!  
  
Hamlet: My uncle!   
  
Ghost: Yes, that sick twisted being. He used his manipualtive personality to win over my wife, even before I was dead. Ah! I think that I hear the morning! Anyway...let me go fast. I was asleep, your uncle came into the orchard and dropped it in my ear, and then I died. I don't know why I'm telling you this, since I already did did, but hey. You must avenge your uncle, but leave your mother be...she is innocent...I must go now! Don't forget!   
  
Hamlet: I can't....really forget that....I'm very pissed off at my uncle right now. I'll remember you.   
  
Horatio/Marcellus: HAMLET!  
  
(Enter Horatio and Marcellus)   
  
Marcellus: Hamlet!  
  
Horatio: THERE you are!  
  
Hamlet: Yeah, hi...   
  
Marcellus: Ahh jeez...hihihi!!  
  
Hamlet: Hihihi!  
  
Marcellus: So what's up?   
  
Horatio: Yeah, what happened?   
  
Hamlet: It's grand!   
  
Horatio: Ooo do tell!  
  
Hamlet: No, you'll tell everyone else.   
  
Horatio: Will not!  
  
Marcellus: Me either!  
  
Hamlet: Something's up.   
  
Horatio: Er, yeah. We knew that already.   
  
Hamlet: Then you've been right! Well, that's all I was really told. So...goodnight!   
  
Horatio: Pbft. Yeah right.   
  
Hamlet: Sorry..   
  
Horatio: It's all good.   
  
Hamlet: There is...but please, let me ask both of you not to say anything to anyone...   
  
Horatio/Marcellus: We won't.   
  
Hamlet: Promise.   
  
Horatio: I promise.   
  
Marcellus: I promise.   
  
Hamlet: Swear.   
  
Marcellus: We already have!  
  
Hamlet: Well, do it again.   
  
Ghost: (beneath) Swear.   
  
Hamlet: AHH! See! Now you have to!   
  
Horatio: Whoa, that was scary.   
  
Hamlet: Swear.   
  
Ghost: (beneath) Swear.   
  
Hamlet: Come over here and swear, with your hands on my sword.   
  
Ghost: (beneath) Swear.   
  
Hamlet: Well said!  
  
Horatio: Make him stop that. I'm kind of creeped out.   
  
Hamlet: Ghosts can be real, I guess. You must not tell ANYONE of ANYTHING. And you must swear.   
  
Ghost: (beneath) Swear.   
  
Hamlet: I think that we've proved our point. (they swear) Anyway. Thanks a bunch, guys. Remember: don't say anything. Let's go inside now.   
  
(Exeunt) 


	2. Act II

Authors Note:

A few times I stuck in the character's name, because it was unclear about who some people were talking to, and I thought that that might help.

Scene 1

(Enter old Polonius with his man Reynaldo)

Polonius: Here, give this money and papers to my son.

Reynaldo: Okay.

Polonius: But before that, ask about him or something...

Reynaldo: I was going to.

Polonius: Good! Well first see who's there and where they are...then kind of...casually bring Laertes up. Don't ask direct questions though or they'll start to get suspicious. Just mention that you know him. Got it so far?

Reynaldo: Ayup.

Polonius: But tell them that you don't know him well. Say that you think he's wild and disobedient...make up anything you want, but you have to act like you're not really meaning to say it...it's more convincing that way. But don't say anything that might dishonor him.

Reynaldo: Like things that guys do?

Polonius: Exactly! Like drinking, fighting, cursing, prostitutes...you catch my drift.

Reynaldo: That sounds like enough to dishonor him.

Polonius: Nah. They might actually think better of him, if you pretend like you know nothing about what you're saying...they'll defend him.

Reynaldo: But that's stupid--

Polonius: You're doing it.

Reynaldo: Yeah, yeah.

Polonius: Anyway. So you say these things about my son, and then see what they say...or what they add...

Reynaldo: Sounds fine, I guess.

Polonius: Now I can't remember what I was going to say.

Reynaldo: Uh...on whether they defend him or not?

Polonius: Oh yeah. Okay, so you make up a story about him, and then see what they tell you about him in return..and then you come back and tell me what he's been doing. This is the only way that I can keep up with my son and make sure that he's staying out of trouble. Follow?

Reynaldo: Yeah.

Polonius: Okay, bye then!

Reynaldo: Okay...

Polonius: Ask questions!

Reynaldo: I will!

Polonius: Make sure he works.

Reynaldo: Okay.

Polonius: Bye.

(Exit Reynaldo)

(Enter Ophelia)

Polonius: Ophelia! ...What's up?

Ophelia: Omigosh! Dad!

Polonius: WHAT?

Ophelia: Well, I was sewing, an Hamlet came in all mussed up, but he looked so upset!

Polonius: Because of you?

Ophelia: I don't know! I hope not!

Polonius: What'd he say?

Ophelia: He took my arm really tightly, and touched my face, and shook his head a lot..he was shuddering! Then he let go and left the room but...blindly..and the doors closed after him!

Polonius: Whoa. Okay, let's find the King. Hamlet is in torment of his love for you. Who knows what he'll do next! Did you say anything to make him mad?

Ophelia: Not really...but I didn't accept his letters or let him see me.

Polonius: Ohh he's pissed. I didn't know that he would do this! We need to go to the King before something worse happens!

(Exeunt)

Scene II

(flourish. Enter King and Queen, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)

King: Welcome R and G! I've missed you guys. So has Hamlet said anything to you? Is he still acting like himself? You need to still try to get information, little things here and there...remember everything to tell us. We want to help him if we can... He's been acting weird.

Queen: He talks about you guys all the time, he would tell you anything. Stay a little longer, just in case he opens up to you...we would greatly appreciate it.

Rosencrantz: Of course, your Majesties. We would think of doing nothing else.

Guildenstern: We'll do anything that you want to.

King: Thank you.

Queen: Thank you. Go find Hamlet right now and see what's wrong...

Guildenstern: I hope we can help!

Queen: Me too!

(Exeunt R and G)

(Enter Polonius)

Polonius: The Norway peoples are back.

King: Great!

Polonius: I am your servant! I have discovered what is wrong with Hamlet.

King: Oh, do tell!

Polonius: First see the ambassadors, I'll wait to tell you my news.

King: Okay. Bring them in.

(Exit Polonius)

King: Gertie! He found out what's wrong with your son!

Queen: I still think that it's because of his father, and that we married so soon.

(Enter Ambassadors with Polonius, Voltimand, and Cornelius)

King: Welcome!

Voltimand: Hello! Fortinbras has been thrown out of Norway and says that he won't fight you anymore. Norway's happy. Here, take this paper, it's about your allowance...and stuff. They need to pass through.

King: Oh, okay. I'll read it later. Dinner time!

(Exeunt Ambassadors)

Polonius: Now that that's over...Okay. Now I can tell you what's wrong with your son...well, I think he's mad, but then what is mad anyway? I'm not sure it's normal madness though, more like--

Queen: Get to the point.

Polonius: I am! Okay. So. He's mad. But...okay, I have this daughter, Ophelia...you probably know her. And she gave me this letter! It says, Dear beautiful and extroadinary soul-seeking... (:breath:) Ophelia... see! He calls her beautiful, it is very unproper. How dare he. And here he talks about her white bosom! BOSOM! Of all things! Now--

Queen: Hamlet wrote this?

Polonius: Yes! Hold on... "I love you, I love you a lot...I REALLY love you...Hamlet." My daughter gave this letter to me.

King: Well...does she like him?

Polonius: What!

King: Well, you're a good father, I'm not doubting...

Polonius: I know. But you can't expect me to just look on after seeing this! Come on! I told her that it wasn't possible to be with Hamlet. I told her to ignore him. She obeyed and now he's bonkers.

King: Gertie...do you think this might be true?

Queen: Possibly...

Polonius: Well do you doubt my word? Have I ever been wrong before?

King: I don't think so...

Polonius: Then believe me. I can prove it.

King: How?

Polonius: Well...you know how he passes through here...

Queen: Yes...

Polonius: Well, we can stick Ophelia in here to meet him...we can hide and listen and see what happens.

King: Ok.

(Enter Hamlet with a book)

Queen: Awwww...there he is now...poor Hamlet!

Polonius: Hurry, go! I'll talk to him.

(Exeunt King and Queen, with attendants)

Polonius: ...You didn't see that. Hi Hamlet! How are you?

Hamlet: Fine, thanks.

Polonius: Er...you know who I am, right?

Hamlet: You work with fish.

Polonius: Um...no.

Hamlet: A truthful man, then?

Polonius: Truthful?

Hamlet: There aren't so many anymore.

Polonius: True...

Hamlet: But good things touch even the worst people..or so it seems. You have a daughter, right?

Polonius: Ah...yeah.

Hamlet: Keep HER out of the sun! She might get pregnant or something.

Polonius: (aside) He's still thinking about my daughter! But he doesn't know me...he's screwy. But I can relate, I loved someone once! Hey...Hamlet...what're your reading?

Hamlet: Stuff.

Polonius: What's the matter?

Hamlet: Between who?

Polonius: ...Sorry, let me rephrase. What are you reading?

Hamlet: How old men are magnificently stupid. But think about it...if you went backwards our ages would meet!

Polonius: (aside) This is insane. But it makes sense. Where are you going, Hamlet?

Hamlet: Towards death.

Polonius: Well...yes...you are going to that eventually... (aside) This is weeeird...what he says is so...deep. Well! Hamlet, I'm taking my leave of you.

Hamlet: Not if I won't willingly give it. You could take my life, though...

(Enter Guildenstern and Rosencrantz)

Polonius: Bye, then.

Hamlet: Moronic old man.

Polonius: Hamlet's over there.

Rosencrantz: Thanks bunches!

Guildenstern: Hammy!

Rosencrantz: Hammy!

Hamlet: My frinds! How are you guys?

Rosencrantz: Cheerful!

Guildenstern: Yup, but not exceedingly or anything. We're not the top notch of happy, like the top of Fortune...

Hamlet: But not the bottom of her either?

Rosencrantz: Nope!

Hamlet: Then you're...somewhere in the middle of her?

Guildencrantz: Somewhere...hehe...where the son don't shine.

Hamlet: Wow! Fortune's treasure chest. Heheeeeeeeee. Ahem. So what's up?

Rosencrantz: Not to much. Things are better all around.

Hamlet: Something bad is coming then. But I don' tbelieve you guys...do who sent you to this hellhole?

Guildenstern: Hellhole?

Hamlet: This IS a hellhole.

Rosencrantz: What about everything else?

Hamlet: It's all like that, but here it's BAD.

Rosencrantz: Er...we don't think so...

Hamlet: Well that's fine. I think it, though.

Rosencrantz: You're kind of narrowminded.

Hamlet: I am not! I can hardly keep all my thoughts together, it's a nightmare.

Guildenstern: Well at least you're ambitious.

Hamlet: Hardly.

Rosencrantz: You are! I have no ambition at all.

Hamlet: Well hope for more and I'll hope for less. Let's go to court.

R and G: We'll be your servants.

Hamlet: No you won't. We're friends. But what brings you here anyway?

Rosencrantz: We wanted to see you.

Hamlet: I'm grateful...but not that grateful. You were sent for, weren't you? You didn't come here because you wanted to.

Guildenstern: Um...

Hamlet: Well? The King and Queen asked you to come, didn't they?

Rosencrantz: Why would they do that?

Hamlet: You tell me. But tell me now if you were sent for, and tell me the truth.

Rosencrantz: (Aside to Guildenstern) Crapwhatdowedo?

Hamlet: (Aside) If you're my friends at all, you would tell me.

Guildenstern: ...we were.

Hamlet: I know why. They want to know what's wrong with me. They want you to take me apart and know exactly why...it sounds so nobe, doesn't it? I bet they seemed concerned...People suck Obviously you don't agree..

Rosencrantz: Um...well...I didn't say that.

Hamlet: You laughed when I said that they sucked.

Rosencrantz: Well...not all of them, it just seemed funny that you said that...that you didn't like them, after we invited actors to come and perform a play at the castle for you.

Hamlet: If there's an actor who plays the King he can come. They all have their parts to play, though, I guess. So who are they?

Rosencrantz: Well...they do tragedies...

Hamlet: Why do they travel?

Rosencrantz: I think it's because of recent events...I dunno.

Hamlet: Are they still good?

Rosencrantz: Well...

Hamlet: Why not?

Rosencrantz: Well they are from average cities, with average actors...and they don't really take it seriously.

Hamlet: Doesn't anyone direct them? What's going to come of them eventually?

Rosencrantz: I don't know...they're not being paid much...unless the arts combine.

Hamlet: How?

Guildenstern: Oh they've meddled together...

Hamlet: Do they do it well?

Rosencrantz: Remarkably.

Hamlet: This is...a sign.

(A flourish of trumpets)

Guildenstern: Here they are!

Hamlet: Welcome...who is all here? We'll definitely enjoy whatever you have in store for us. My aunt/mother and father/uncle are wrong about something, though..

Guildenstern: What?

Hamlet: I'm only mad some of the time.

(Enter Polonius)

Polonius: Hello!

Hamlet: Look there, that man is a moron.

Rosencrantz: Sometimes they are.

Hamlet: I'm not surprised. Hello, Polonius!

Polonius: I have news!

Hamlet: Me too. Why, when--

Polonius: The actors are here.

Hamlet: Duh.

Polonius: Well...

Hamlet: Well, let me see them!

Polonius: They're the best actors ever.

Hamlet: Wow. Amazing. Like Jephthah's treasure!

Polonius: What treasure?

Hamlet: A daughter.

Polonius: (Aside) Still on my daughter!

Hamlet: Is that not right, Jephthah?

Polonius: You can call me that, because I do have a daughter.

Hamlet: That doesn't work.

Polonius: Uh...what doesn't?

Hamlet: Because it doesn't...you know. Or you will. Here they come.

(Enter Actors)

Hamlet: H ello! Welcome! I'm glad to see you guys..you look different...I missed all of you. Someone give a monologue, for old times sake.

First player: Which one?

Hamlet: One from a long time ago...'twas Aeneas' tale to Dido. That one. Go ahead.

Polonius: Good idea!

First player: (Long ass monologue)

Polonius: Fricken long.

Hamlet: Shut up. Keep going...

First player: (Continues long ass monologue) The muffled queen--

Hamlet: Muffled queen!

Polonius: Awesome adjective.

First player: (Continues long ass monologue)

Polonius: It's so sad! Stop!

Hamlet: You can tell me the rest later. Polonius...see them in and make sure that they're comfortable.

Polonius: Ok.

Hamlet: Give them what they deserve. Go on.

Polonius: Come on, actors.

Hamlet: Go with him, the play can be tomorrow! (Stops First player) Can you guys do the Murder of Gonzago?

First player: Sure.

Hamlet: Tomorrow night, then. Can you memorize something extra for it?

First player: Sure.

Hamlet: Okay. Follow them in, then.

(Exeunt Polonius and Players)

Hamlet: So, R and G, I'll see you tonight. You're welcome here.

Rosencrantz: Thanks!

(Exeunt R and G)

Hamlet: Now I'm by myself...finally. That actor wasn't half bad, but he doesn't feel the passion that I do right now...I'm such a coward, I can't move forward until I'm sure of what I'm doing...until I'm sure that the Ghost wasn't just lying about what happened...not until I'm sure that my uncle really did murder my father. But if it is my father, then how I can just sit around? But tonight I will know...when they perform this play, I will know. This play mirrors the same situation of my uncle and father, and if my uncle looks guilty...I will most DEFINITELY know that he killed my father. Tonight...I will know!

(Exit) 


End file.
